My husband Jon and I were married for 10 years before God blessed us with our daughters. Waiting on the Lord for children was excruciating and tested my faith unlike anything else in my life. The Lord was gracious and did give me a dream seven years before we actually conceived and He provided peace and affirmations during the waiting period, but I still struggled with unbelief.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because my desire to be a mom was made up of multiple factors. Yes, I wanted to become a parent to experience motherhood and knew that, children are a gift of the Lord…How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them Psalm 127: 4-5, but I also knew it would deepen my understanding and knowledge of the Lord and how He relates to me as His daughter. It would help me understand my relationship with God the Father, my Abba, as I am made in His image. My longing to be a mother to my own children was directly related to knowing that I would have a better understanding of my relationship with our Heavenly Father.
I had childlike faith before my accident. I simply believed in the Lord, knew He was God of all creation and trusted that He had a perfect plan for my life, even though I had experienced a level of loss when my dad passed away as a result of Lou Gehrig’s Disease when I was only 16. It was excruciating to lose him, but the Lord gave me peace in the midst of the trial (Psalm 46:1) and provided for me in the years that followed.
After my horrific accident, which occurred five short years after losing my dad, I seriously started to doubt God’s provision in my life. I had a tough time trusting the Lord, I started questioning Him and I wasn’t sure if I truly believed the verse in Jeremiah 29:11, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” I started to become a doubting Thomas (John 20:24-29).
Even though I was experiencing His presence at a whole new level during my recovery (hearing Him speak reassurances to me and communicating through dreams) I still had faith that He existed, but I struggled with unbelief that He truly wanted to, not only restore my life and the years the locusts took away (Joel 2:25), but actually prosper me in the midst of my circumstances. I allowed my own thoughts and worries surrounding my physical limitations speak louder than the still small whisper of God (1 King 19) to the point of drowning out His voice completely. I started relying on my own head knowledge and my flesh. I was guided by my emotions, which muted the voice of the Holy Spirit and left me confused.
Did God leave me? Absolutely not, but my emotions were out of control, I wasn’t experiencing peace in my life and it became harder to discern God’s guidance. I was running scared. But, God is full of grace and as I found myself in a hopeless pit with nowhere to go but back to the Lord years after my accident, He was still right next to me, pulled me out of the pit and the whispers returned. “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘this is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left.” Isaiah 30:21.
The Lord proved himself faithful to me when He fulfilled the dreams and the promises He spoke into my life regarding having children, and we now have twin daughters. They are a blessing and the Lord has revealed more of his character to me now that I understand the relationship of being a parent. One of the many lessons I have learned is that God really does want to bless us and provide abundant life while we are still here on earth (John 10:10).
One of my favorite things to do as a parent is to give my kids special gifts, even something simple like taking them to the store and letting them pick out a piece of candy. What’s in it for me? I love to watch the look on their face when they receive the gift. The smiles on their face speak to the pure joy they experience in that moment. The Lord feels the same way about us, “What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31–32. Let that sink in…we are made in God’s image. How do you feel when you give someone you love a special gift? There are not very many things in life which produce that amount of joy! God desires to bless us, He wants to give us gifts, He loves to see us joyful!
My all time favorite devotional book is Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. She sums up, simply, my long-winded post in her May 21st devotional:
“I, the Creator of the universe, am with you and for you. What more could you need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level. I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything.
It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!”